A little more than eight years ago when I was out of school and preparing for the IIT-JEE at Bansal Classes, Kota having disregarded the option of studying at St. Stephens, I was alone for most of the three months that I spent there. It was the first time that I had left home. Besides I was aspiring to become something in life, I had not reached that stage of permanency where you can settle down and accept the flow of life as it is. I was, however, surrounded by raw energy and ambition. This raw energy was misdirected for most part of it. I wasn't sure if I would make it to IIT and to be honest, no one could not tell if he would indeed make it to IIT until the very last moment of the exams. A lot of eyes were set upon me, hopes soared high and apparently I was tensed during the last few months of my preparation that I had to travel all the way to Kota. I was young, straight out of the casual environment of Modern School where teachers were indifferent and friends mostly competitive - so predictably I fell short of care and guidance. I didn't have a guardian in Kota and for most of my stay I was staying alone. I remember that I was initially scared, perhaps more because of the enormous pressure that the JEE thrusts upon a candidate. But more than the pressure, it was certainly the fear of being alone and helpless in times of need. I still remember crying on the phone many times when my mother would call me at my landlord's telephone. Sometimes it was really embarrassing. But it was almost certainly painful for me to live without my parents and away from home for around three months. It was not that I was happy to get back home but I was relieved that I could see my parents every minute.
Eight years later, I am alone again. This time it is permanent and not for a short duration like earlier. I have stepped into that phase of life where no matter what I do, I will always have to live away from home. My father has retired and so I no longer enjoy financial security. The telephone calls from my mother will no longer happen at my landlord's but I have a mobile phone which I can comfortably use to speak to her anytime. Technology makes adapting to new places, phases and people a lot easier by keeping you connected to your near and dear ones. But it is important to note that I have submitted to the truths of life. Nothing is permanent, everything is bound to change. If not bound to change, almost everything is liable to change. As we grow older we lose the security that childhood and adulthood promised to bring along with it. We learn to stand on our own feet, we no longer enjoy the privileges of someone holding our hand in times of need or expect to find a comforting pair of eyes in times of distress. The challenge has just begun.
We're alone then in this massive space surrounding us and every moment is a struggle to keep the space around us safe. If we cannot keep ourselves safe, we are sure to meet death. Death itself is permanent now. This time I cried a little. But these were not tears of sorrow. I am finally relieved that I have learned to accept the truths of life, that I have embraced impermanence to be the only lasting truth in life and the ghost of time no longer haunts me because I am prepared to struggle, to resist and to live until death meets me. And this is now a journey to meet death, so almost anyone aboard is welcome.
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